Rocket Brain

Hey, I'm over here now...

2008-12-24T08:43:00.001-08:00

Started a new blog for our great adventure: Holiday Road. Will be updating over there for the time being.

Update and Apology for being Crappy at Updating

2008-11-11T15:08:00.000-08:00

Many exciting and strange things have been happening in our household. We had perhaps the Best Summer Ever thanks to my little brother and his mad cooking skillz. I lost the blogging bug for a while there and I apologize for that (see the post title), but I'm about to make up for it with some big news. (I've stopped referring to Andy as AJ. It was a holdover from our last blog and is no longer necessary...)

I posted this to MySpace today:

"So in case you didn't know, Andy and I are moving to Bloomington, IN next month. I'll be working on my Masters of Library Science, and Andy is thinking about going to school as well. We're both very happy about this decision, and it's been a long time coming.

We'll be driving out there around Dec 10 or so and will be staying there for Christmas. Tentative vacation plans include CA in May/June and RI in August, but that's totally not set in stone.

I love all y'all and will miss my CA friends beyond belief, but we're looking forward to some culture shock and new friends in IN.
Stay tuned for road trip photos and new contact info!"

Things that are Awesome

2008-06-17T20:12:00.000-07:00

My little brother is living with us for the summer. I say little, but he's actually about a foot and a half taller than me. I feel even shorter these days, living with two giant men instead of one.

When we were reorganizing the extra bedroom for his arrival, I found two boxes of books that I hadn't opened since we moved in, which means that I haven't read any of them in at least 18 months. Score!

Our nephew G just turned ten, and last weekend he announced his intention to join the Boy Scouts. He wants to do things like shoot clay pigeons and use a pocketknife. AJ was talking to him about various Boy Scout activities, and G said that the real reason he wants to join is so he can kill a bear with a knife. Apparently that's a badge or something, but I bet it's usually awarded posthumously.

Something not so awesome: There's a wasp nest on the roof of our building right next to our balcony. I am not pleased. I also can't figure out where the nest actually is to spray it. I want to punch them all in the face.

Hello Zoloft My Old Friend

2008-06-09T21:45:00.000-07:00

I've been going through some stuff over the past couple of months. I went through an outpatient program again and have been trying some new medications, several of which gave me bizarre and scary side effects. I'm happy to report that I'm currently on Zoloft again, and my mood seems to be stabilizing. I'm going to try to post more often.

Postcards from the edge

2008-04-19T13:51:00.000-07:00

Last year I got 5150'd, which means I was held for 72 hours in the crazy house so I wouldn't harm myself. It was terrifying and hilarious all at once. I really did need to be in there, and they treated me wonderfully, and they probably saved my life. Hooray for mental health workers!

There are two things you should know before reading this story. First, this hospital (also referred to as the joint) is in Oakland, near Fruitvale, which is not the best neighborhood. Second, I hate bees. They terrify me. I refuse to watch Bee Movie, and even one bee can send me into a panic attack if I'm not careful. So, onward.

We get a small amount of heavily supervised outside time in the joint. This afternoon in particular, there were 4-5 nurses and 6-7 patients out there. I was wandering around by myself and ended up near a table where a few nurses were sitting and chatting. I'm looking at some flowers when a bee flies up into my face and I freak out.

I'm flailing and twitching and waving my arms when I hear this. "Katherine, are you ok?" I look over and the nurses are staring at me. I say the only thing I can think of at the time: "I. Don't. Like. Bees." This, of course, is immediately followed by this thought: OMG, they are never going to let me out of here.

One of the nurses carefully says "Why don't you come sit with us, honey." I walk over slowly and sit down. Seconds later, I hear a loud POP! POP! Nurse A, without looking up from her magazine, says "Was that a gunshot?" Nurse B, again without looking up and with No Concern In Her Voice AT ALL, simply replies "MmmmHmmm." I am so going to die in here.

New Job!

2008-04-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

So here's the "official" info on the job I started today:

I’m working to change the way people find answers on the go. With ChaCha, you can log on at http://www.chacha.com/ and find quick and accurate answers by searching. Not by a computer? Try ChaCha on the go by texting your question to 242242. You’ll get an answer straight from me or one of my co-workers…right on your phone. Give it a shot….I think I can really change how you get your answers…on the go or right on your computer!

Unofficial: It's super fun! I've answered all kinds of crazy questions today. I can work from home whenever I want to, and I don't have all of the stress I get from a "real" job. Well, I have some of the stress, but it's much less than normal. Think up obscure queries and send them in!

ETA: If anyone wants to sign up to be a guide, please use my e-mail address as your referrer. It's kgmcnally AT gmail DOT com. Thanks!

Insert pun related to basketball here

2008-04-04T14:48:00.000-07:00

If you're interested, AJ has a guest spot on a basketball podcast at GldnSt8Warrior. Here's the direct link.

I am NOT too old for this

2008-04-01T00:09:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend in a frenzy of nostalgia, rereading some YA novels I picked up at the library. I just grabbed a few by some familiar authors and sped through 5 books in two days. They were:

The Cat Ate My Gymsuit and Can You Sue Your Parents for Malpractice? by Paula Danziger

Both were published in the mid ‘70s and chronicled the adventures of a young teenage girl growing up in a dysfunctional family. The fathers in the books are pissed when the girls start learning New Ideas and their mothers support them. They see it as an affront to their masculinity and position in the family, which was an already outdated mindset when I first read these books in the early ‘80s. Or maybe my family was extremely progressive in this respect and I didn’t know any differently. My parents did always tell me that I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up. Because I was a stubborn and contrary child, I told them I wanted to be a daddy.

Gallows Hill, The Twisted Window and They Never Came Home by Lois Duncan

Lois Duncan’s stuff is preteen horror/thriller starring some kickass girls. Gallows Hill is my favorite of these three, but They Never Came Home was published in 1969 and refers to marijuana as “happy grass,” so you can see how I’m torn. Anyway, Duncan is totally the gateway author to Christopher Pike and RL Stine (Fear Street, not Goosebumps. Screw Goosebumps.). Pretty soon you’re reading Stephen King and Clive Barker when you’re ten and scarring yourself for life. Seriously, King is, well, the king of traumatizing sex scenes. Am I the only one disturbed by That Part in It? You know, toward the end? They did not include that in the movie.

Such is life

2008-03-27T18:49:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm behind. On the blog and in life. I owe several people some nice chatty e-mails and I apologize for being so lackluster about getting around to writing them. I'm in hermit mode, so please don't take it personally.

The last week has pretty much been a nonevent, but tonight is taco night, and that usually cheers me up a bit. I also rented Bioshock and am in gaming/Art Deco heaven.

In decorating news, we painted an old nightstand and are currently looking for new drawer pulls. However, the holes in these drawers are 2.5 inches apart, and every pull I've found online is 3 inches. I am in no mood to fool around with drilling new holes, and I'm suspecting that I'll have the same problem with the matching dresser that I want to redo next. Roar.

Also, JK Rowling fought depression in her mid20s. I agree with the majority of people who have weighed in on the subject all over the internet, and the only thing that I have to add is that I'm not surprised at all that she's gone through this. For many many artists, some that I've known personally, some form of depression seems to be necessary in order to create. There have been exactly two times in my life where I was truly in the zone while writing. Both times I couldn't type fast enough to get the words from my brain to the page, and both times were during an extremely bleak time in my life. I'm not saying that I need to be depressed in order to write, and in fact I'm optimistic that there is a way to tap into that muse while I'm feeling relatively well. I just haven't found it yet. Anyway, cheers to you, Jo, for "coming out" of the chemical imbalance closet.

My Black Dog*

2008-03-21T00:30:00.000-07:00

I’m still in a funk and have been for the last couple of weeks. It’s times like these that I can barely convince myself to get out of bed in the ~~morning~~ afternoon, when I feel like I’m moving through some permanent fog that clouds my thinking and creates a disconnect between me and the real world. I avoid phone calls and don’t answer e-mails. I can barely feed myself when I’m hungry, and the rest of my day to day activities are a struggle also. I haven’t touched my scrapbook in weeks and I haven’t written a word of fiction in months. I don’t remember the last time I called someone. Tonight was the first time I’ve showered and left the house since Sunday, y’all.

So what’s the answer? The answer is … I don’t know the answer.** I’m supposed to be creating Planned Pleasurable Activities for myself, but I have a really hard time doing that when I’m in this stage and it feels like there’s no point to anything I do. AJ is a sweetheart and is taking tomorrow off so we can do something together that will get us out of our element. First we will have to get in our Element, though, because that’s the kind of car we drive. Get it? Out of our element and in our element? AT THE SAME TIME! I love obvious puns.

I’m trying really hard to be optimistic about tomorrow instead of anxious. I know I need something to help me not live inside my own head all of the time and hopefully little bits of happiness here and there will boost my spirits. All I can do at this point is to go along for the ride. Literally. I’ll stop with the puns now.

*Winston Churchill called his depression a "black dog" that sat on his shoulders. It's an incredibly apt metaphor. More info here.

**Yes, it’s a movie quote. A Winona Ryder quote, actually. As long as we’re on the subject of Noni, can I just say this? Shoplifting? Again? Noni, you and I have such a strange relationship, even though we’ve never met and you’ve never heard of me. Remember how we almost had Thanksgiving dinner together? Remember how you owe my cousin S two dollars? What I’m trying to say here is that you should come over and hang out with me and R, my bestie. The three of us will drink tea and smoke cigarettes and commiserate over the crappy hand of cards we got dealt when it comes to chemical imbalances in our brains.

That old feeling

2008-03-18T23:54:00.000-07:00

I've been sad and morose the last couple of days, for no reason whatsoever. It's just a touch of malaise, which hopefully will pass soon. So to cheer everyone up, here is an actual conversation that AJ and I had tonight.

Scene: AJ is brewing us coffee while I'm browsing the internet and drinking a soda. Our coffee table only has two coasters on it and one is occupied by said soda. AJ brings over our mugs of joe, and I keep my eyes on the laptop while flailing around for my coke.

AJ: Coffee needs a coaster, otherwise goblins will steal it.
Me: *Flail*
AJ: Goblins will steal your coffee!
Me: *connects with soda and moves it off of the coaster while closing the laptop at the same time without spilling anything, which is a minor miracle. Coffee gets placed on said coaster.* What?
AJ: Goblins want to drink things when they aren't on coasters.
Me: *Actually paying attention at this point.* Why aren't the goblins stealing the soda?
AJ: Goblins don't have sugar.

Fin.

Hey you! Play this now!

2008-03-17T01:10:00.000-07:00

Go play Questionaut and marvel at the beautiful and strange art to be found within. This is not my discovery - you have to thank Jay is Games for it.

Volunteer Update

2008-03-16T23:59:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was not as bad or good as it could have been. There were a couple of times when I started feeling panicky and wanted to leave, but I stuck around for most of it. I'm still unsure about this place, mainly because they want a one year commitment and there's a fee to participate, which kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I'm going to consider it and explore some other options.

In other news, today I met a baby bunny named Rocket and I held him and cuddled him and he was fuzzy and tiny and adorable and it was AWESOME.

Just like High School

2008-03-15T00:57:00.000-07:00

Remember the first day of school? If you're anything like me, you agonized over wearing the right outfit, worried if anyone was going to sit with you at lunch, wondered if you'd still fit in with your old friends and if you'd make any new ones this year. Do you remember the butterflies in your stomach when you walked through your classroom door for the first time? That's what I feel like every single day.

Tomorrow (technically today, since it's after midnight) I'm going to an orientation program for volunteers at a local museum and I'm terrified. I haven't worked in almost a year, and the doctor I've been seeing regularly suggested that I volunteer for something. The hours would be manageable and since there's no financial commitment, I hopefully wouldn't put as much stress on myself as I do when I'm working.

I've been getting a lot better at interacting with people, but I'm still nervous about leaving my apartment and involving myself in the world in general. I'm trying to remind myself that tomorrow will only be 90 minutes of my time, and I don't have to decide to volunteer on a regular basis right away. However, I have all of these anxieties built up in my head about social situations that manifest physically. For the last week my stomach has been getting more and more upset and my sleep pattern is all off.

I've been trying to pretend that tomorrow isn't actually happening until I walk through the door. It might not be the healthiest way to handle this, but if it keeps me from being a sobbing shaking mess and refusing to get out of bed, I'll take it.

This is my brain on American Idol

2008-03-12T23:28:00.000-07:00

We just wasted an hour watching the American Idol results. By "wasted an hour" I really mean trying to pretend that we aren't freaking obsessed with the show by mocking it incessantly. I spent my time having impure thoughts about Michael Johns and trying to ignore the gay panic coming from Simon and Ryan. AJ was in charge of serving us raspberry ice cream and fast-forwarding through the commercials, which he loves doing. He was extra happy tonight when he got to ff the bottom three singing again. Seriously, we might have to stage an intervention at some point. He is so obsessed with hitting play the millisecond that the show starts, and he'll rewind if we miss half a word. Must Not Miss Ryan Bantering!

So the best part of the show was the montage of "get the hell out," as I like to call it. They do this collage of the happy fun contestant times and make the poor kid watch as some sappy ballad plays, like they're dying instead of leaving or something. There's a new song this year and it was recorded by Ruben Studdard and it is awesome in it's awfulness. Then I looked it up and realized that it's actually originally by Kenny Loggins, which makes the banality of it a million times better. It's called "Celebrate Me Home," and it inspired us so much that I think I may have peed a little. WTF does that even mean? Celebrate me home? Like walk me home? Does celebrate have some new meaning as a verb that I am unaware of? I'm going to introspect me refrigerator while AJ sanctifies he baseball cards. Then I suggested that it was perhaps written by the Hulk. Like the Hulk comes home from a business trip or something and walks in the door and says to the Hulkess: "Celebrate, me home!" When the Hulkess and the little Hulkettes do not celebrate to the Hulk's liking, guess what happens? Hulk smash!

In conclusion, the awesomeness of David Cook is mitigated by the fact that he looks like a forty year old serial killer. If you'll excuse me, I need to fascinate me pitchfork.

Why Rocket Brain?

2008-03-10T21:08:00.000-07:00

Naming the blog took zero amount of thought. Hmmm. Rocket Brain. That sounds good. Then I got to thinking about it and realized that it was pretty apropos. My mind tends to take off to places I can't predict. I over think everything, and I can get obsessed about a subject for a few days and then it's back to earth. So Rocket Brain works for me.

Other names briefly considered:

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk
CIA Chick
Rescuing Myself
Lola

None of them stuck around in my head long enough to be contenders.

Planned Pleasurable Activities

2008-03-09T23:59:00.000-07:00

So one of the recommended ways to deal with depression is to plan your pleasure. Minds out of the gutter, people. One of the symptoms of depression is that you take less pleasure in things that you used to find enjoyable. This is fully the case for me. I realized sometime last year that I didn't even know what I liked to do for fun anymore, because I hadn't truly enjoyed anything in a long time.

If you plan something, you can look forward to it, which may be simple for some people, but is a flipping nightmare for me. Part of my anxiety problems include catastrophizing any situation: Going for a walk? Obviously I'll get hit by a car and die. Got a headache? It's a brain tumor that will kill me. Haven't heard from someone in a while? They hate me or they're dead. See a pattern? (Hint: It's death.) Participating in daily activities becomes a crazy whirlwind of Bad Thoughts, and it's easier to, you know, just not leave the house. Ever.

What's my point? It's healthier for me to follow through on something than to stay home. No matter how good it feels for me to wrap myself up in a little cave, I need to be dragged out into the real world. So in the spirit of self-encouragement, here are some cool things I've done lately:

AJ and I saw Carrie Fisher's one woman show at the Berkeley Rep. She is an amazing woman. Awesome and funny and touching. Thanks to my brother for the tickets. Coolest Christmas present ever!
We went on a cruise to the Mexican Riviera. This was huge in terms of me feeling like a normal person on a normal vacation. We had a blast and I was on a post-vacation high for several days afterwards. I'm coming back down now, but we've got some great memories.
I beta-tested some games for Gamezebo. OK, so this doesn't involve getting outside or interacting with other people, but I love puzzles and games. I also don't get paid for it - it's more like a customer satisfaction survey then a true beta test, but it's fun!

Upcoming plans include a drive in the country and a trip to the library. Yup, I'm cool. Baby steps, right?

I see a dresser and I want to paint it yellow

2008-03-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

My husband AJ and I live in a smallish apartment that is very utilitarian: white walls, beige carpet, short on closets, tiny kitchen. We've agreed that when we buy a house, we'll begin to actually invest money in decorating. We've been saying that for six years now, and we aren't even close to owning property. A few days ago I decided to start decorating for real, and my daydream of owning real furnishings got one step closer to reality.

Don't get me wrong, our apartment has a definite sense of style to it. Unfortunately, that specific category of interior design is Stuff We Got From Our Parents Or At Target. That just isn't cutting it anymore with me, and I think AJ feels the same way. So we set out for our local strip mall to see what we could do about it. The picture at left shows the new bedding we acquired. Yes, it's from Roxy. Yes, I'm aware that it's a bed set for a teenage girl. No, AJ doesn't have a problem with it because he is awesome and secure in his masculinity. We like it because it's bright and cute and fun.

The intrepid little fellow on the bed is Professor Fusslenut. He is the leader of a band of merry men that live on a bookshelf in our bedroom. He is quite curious and adventurous, and has a George Clooney obsession. I'm sure you'll hear more about him at a later date.

Today found us at Goodwill, where I actually picked up some nice vases and plates. I can't remember the last time I bought something decorative for the apartment. Well, last month I bought a ceramic frog, but that was more of "I want a trinket from Cabo" as opposed to "Let's prettify the place." Anyway, I spent 20 bucks and walked away with two nice vases, a blue bottle, and these plates. I bought all they had, which turned out to be 13. Spooky, huh? So they are identical and tiny, and I really don't know what to do with them. I plan on eventually figuring out how to display them, but for now they're in the cupboard.

I'm hoping that this decorating bug will last, but I'm not optimistic. I'm much better at having ideas than implementing them, but I also no longer want to live in a place that looks like we're just out of college. I want to live like a grownup.

First!

2008-03-09T19:40:00.000-07:00

So 2007 both sucked and blew. I haven't worked since last April because I've been dealing with the fallout from a suicide attempt brought on by severe depression and anxiety. I've been in fairly intensive counseling for almost a year, and I'm in a place where I'm starting to try and figure out how to live my life.

I don't want this blog to consist of me whining, so my plan is to bring up my mental health issues only when relevant, which actually might be the majority of the time. I have no problem with discussing my condition openly and honestly with anyone, although the people around me sometimes do. I'm also better at comminicating with writing, and I'm the queen of social anxiety, so a blog seems to be a good way to get my thoughts out of my head. We'll see what happens...