Such is life

Yes, I'm behind. On the blog and in life. I owe several people some nice chatty e-mails and I apologize for being so lackluster about getting around to writing them. I'm in hermit mode, so please don't take it personally.

The last week has pretty much been a nonevent, but tonight is taco night, and that usually cheers me up a bit. I also rented Bioshock and am in gaming/Art Deco heaven.

In decorating news, we painted an old nightstand and are currently looking for new drawer pulls. However, the holes in these drawers are 2.5 inches apart, and every pull I've found online is 3 inches. I am in no mood to fool around with drilling new holes, and I'm suspecting that I'll have the same problem with the matching dresser that I want to redo next. Roar.

Also, JK Rowling fought depression in her mid20s. I agree with the majority of people who have weighed in on the subject all over the internet, and the only thing that I have to add is that I'm not surprised at all that she's gone through this. For many many artists, some that I've known personally, some form of depression seems to be necessary in order to create. There have been exactly two times in my life where I was truly in the zone while writing. Both times I couldn't type fast enough to get the words from my brain to the page, and both times were during an extremely bleak time in my life. I'm not saying that I need to be depressed in order to write, and in fact I'm optimistic that there is a way to tap into that muse while I'm feeling relatively well. I just haven't found it yet. Anyway, cheers to you, Jo, for "coming out" of the chemical imbalance closet.

My Black Dog*

I’m still in a funk and have been for the last couple of weeks. It’s times like these that I can barely convince myself to get out of bed in the morning afternoon, when I feel like I’m moving through some permanent fog that clouds my thinking and creates a disconnect between me and the real world. I avoid phone calls and don’t answer e-mails. I can barely feed myself when I’m hungry, and the rest of my day to day activities are a struggle also. I haven’t touched my scrapbook in weeks and I haven’t written a word of fiction in months. I don’t remember the last time I called someone. Tonight was the first time I’ve showered and left the house since Sunday, y’all.

So what’s the answer? The answer is … I don’t know the answer.** I’m supposed to be creating Planned Pleasurable Activities for myself, but I have a really hard time doing that when I’m in this stage and it feels like there’s no point to anything I do. AJ is a sweetheart and is taking tomorrow off so we can do something together that will get us out of our element. First we will have to get in our Element, though, because that’s the kind of car we drive. Get it? Out of our element and in our element? AT THE SAME TIME! I love obvious puns.

I’m trying really hard to be optimistic about tomorrow instead of anxious. I know I need something to help me not live inside my own head all of the time and hopefully little bits of happiness here and there will boost my spirits. All I can do at this point is to go along for the ride. Literally. I’ll stop with the puns now.

*Winston Churchill called his depression a "black dog" that sat on his shoulders. It's an incredibly apt metaphor. More info here.

**Yes, it’s a movie quote. A Winona Ryder quote, actually. As long as we’re on the subject of Noni, can I just say this? Shoplifting? Again? Noni, you and I have such a strange relationship, even though we’ve never met and you’ve never heard of me. Remember how we almost had Thanksgiving dinner together? Remember how you owe my cousin S two dollars? What I’m trying to say here is that you should come over and hang out with me and R, my bestie. The three of us will drink tea and smoke cigarettes and commiserate over the crappy hand of cards we got dealt when it comes to chemical imbalances in our brains.

That old feeling

I've been sad and morose the last couple of days, for no reason whatsoever. It's just a touch of malaise, which hopefully will pass soon. So to cheer everyone up, here is an actual conversation that AJ and I had tonight.

Scene: AJ is brewing us coffee while I'm browsing the internet and drinking a soda. Our coffee table only has two coasters on it and one is occupied by said soda. AJ brings over our mugs of joe, and I keep my eyes on the laptop while flailing around for my coke.

AJ: Coffee needs a coaster, otherwise goblins will steal it.
Me: *Flail*
AJ: Goblins will steal your coffee!
Me: *connects with soda and moves it off of the coaster while closing the laptop at the same time without spilling anything, which is a minor miracle. Coffee gets placed on said coaster.* What?
AJ: Goblins want to drink things when they aren't on coasters.
Me: *Actually paying attention at this point.* Why aren't the goblins stealing the soda?
AJ: Goblins don't have sugar.

Fin.

Hey you! Play this now!

Go play Questionaut and marvel at the beautiful and strange art to be found within. This is not my discovery - you have to thank Jay is Games for it.

Volunteer Update

So yesterday was not as bad or good as it could have been. There were a couple of times when I started feeling panicky and wanted to leave, but I stuck around for most of it. I'm still unsure about this place, mainly because they want a one year commitment and there's a fee to participate, which kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I'm going to consider it and explore some other options.

In other news, today I met a baby bunny named Rocket and I held him and cuddled him and he was fuzzy and tiny and adorable and it was AWESOME.

Just like High School

Remember the first day of school? If you're anything like me, you agonized over wearing the right outfit, worried if anyone was going to sit with you at lunch, wondered if you'd still fit in with your old friends and if you'd make any new ones this year. Do you remember the butterflies in your stomach when you walked through your classroom door for the first time? That's what I feel like every single day.

Tomorrow (technically today, since it's after midnight) I'm going to an orientation program for volunteers at a local museum and I'm terrified. I haven't worked in almost a year, and the doctor I've been seeing regularly suggested that I volunteer for something. The hours would be manageable and since there's no financial commitment, I hopefully wouldn't put as much stress on myself as I do when I'm working.

I've been getting a lot better at interacting with people, but I'm still nervous about leaving my apartment and involving myself in the world in general. I'm trying to remind myself that tomorrow will only be 90 minutes of my time, and I don't have to decide to volunteer on a regular basis right away. However, I have all of these anxieties built up in my head about social situations that manifest physically. For the last week my stomach has been getting more and more upset and my sleep pattern is all off.

I've been trying to pretend that tomorrow isn't actually happening until I walk through the door. It might not be the healthiest way to handle this, but if it keeps me from being a sobbing shaking mess and refusing to get out of bed, I'll take it.

This is my brain on American Idol

We just wasted an hour watching the American Idol results. By "wasted an hour" I really mean trying to pretend that we aren't freaking obsessed with the show by mocking it incessantly. I spent my time having impure thoughts about Michael Johns and trying to ignore the gay panic coming from Simon and Ryan. AJ was in charge of serving us raspberry ice cream and fast-forwarding through the commercials, which he loves doing. He was extra happy tonight when he got to ff the bottom three singing again. Seriously, we might have to stage an intervention at some point. He is so obsessed with hitting play the millisecond that the show starts, and he'll rewind if we miss half a word. Must Not Miss Ryan Bantering!

So the best part of the show was the montage of "get the hell out," as I like to call it. They do this collage of the happy fun contestant times and make the poor kid watch as some sappy ballad plays, like they're dying instead of leaving or something. There's a new song this year and it was recorded by Ruben Studdard and it is awesome in it's awfulness. Then I looked it up and realized that it's actually originally by Kenny Loggins, which makes the banality of it a million times better. It's called "Celebrate Me Home," and it inspired us so much that I think I may have peed a little. WTF does that even mean? Celebrate me home? Like walk me home? Does celebrate have some new meaning as a verb that I am unaware of? I'm going to introspect me refrigerator while AJ sanctifies he baseball cards. Then I suggested that it was perhaps written by the Hulk. Like the Hulk comes home from a business trip or something and walks in the door and says to the Hulkess: "Celebrate, me home!" When the Hulkess and the little Hulkettes do not celebrate to the Hulk's liking, guess what happens? Hulk smash!

In conclusion, the awesomeness of David Cook is mitigated by the fact that he looks like a forty year old serial killer. If you'll excuse me, I need to fascinate me pitchfork.

Why Rocket Brain?

Naming the blog took zero amount of thought. Hmmm. Rocket Brain. That sounds good. Then I got to thinking about it and realized that it was pretty apropos. My mind tends to take off to places I can't predict. I over think everything, and I can get obsessed about a subject for a few days and then it's back to earth. So Rocket Brain works for me.

Other names briefly considered:

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk
CIA Chick
Rescuing Myself
Lola

None of them stuck around in my head long enough to be contenders.

Planned Pleasurable Activities

So one of the recommended ways to deal with depression is to plan your pleasure. Minds out of the gutter, people. One of the symptoms of depression is that you take less pleasure in things that you used to find enjoyable. This is fully the case for me. I realized sometime last year that I didn't even know what I liked to do for fun anymore, because I hadn't truly enjoyed anything in a long time.

If you plan something, you can look forward to it, which may be simple for some people, but is a flipping nightmare for me. Part of my anxiety problems include catastrophizing any situation: Going for a walk? Obviously I'll get hit by a car and die. Got a headache? It's a brain tumor that will kill me. Haven't heard from someone in a while? They hate me or they're dead. See a pattern? (Hint: It's death.) Participating in daily activities becomes a crazy whirlwind of Bad Thoughts, and it's easier to, you know, just not leave the house. Ever.

What's my point? It's healthier for me to follow through on something than to stay home. No matter how good it feels for me to wrap myself up in a little cave, I need to be dragged out into the real world. So in the spirit of self-encouragement, here are some cool things I've done lately:

1. AJ and I saw Carrie Fisher's one woman show at the Berkeley Rep. She is an amazing woman. Awesome and funny and touching. Thanks to my brother for the tickets. Coolest Christmas present ever!
2. We went on a cruise to the Mexican Riviera. This was huge in terms of me feeling like a normal person on a normal vacation. We had a blast and I was on a post-vacation high for several days afterwards. I'm coming back down now, but we've got some great memories.
3. I beta-tested some games for Gamezebo. OK, so this doesn't involve getting outside or interacting with other people, but I love puzzles and games. I also don't get paid for it - it's more like a customer satisfaction survey then a true beta test, but it's fun!

Upcoming plans include a drive in the country and a trip to the library. Yup, I'm cool. Baby steps, right?

I see a dresser and I want to paint it yellow

My husband AJ and I live in a smallish apartment that is very utilitarian: white walls, beige carpet, short on closets, tiny kitchen. We've agreed that when we buy a house, we'll begin to actually invest money in decorating. We've been saying that for six years now, and we aren't even close to owning property. A few days ago I decided to start decorating for real, and my daydream of owning real furnishings got one step closer to reality.

Don't get me wrong, our apartment has a definite sense of style to it. Unfortunately, that specific category of interior design is Stuff We Got From Our Parents Or At Target. That just isn't cutting it anymore with me, and I think AJ feels the same way. So we set out for our local strip mall to see what we could do about it. The picture at left shows the new bedding we acquired. Yes, it's from Roxy. Yes, I'm aware that it's a bed set for a teenage girl. No, AJ doesn't have a problem with it because he is awesome and secure in his masculinity. We like it because it's bright and cute and fun.

The intrepid little fellow on the bed is Professor Fusslenut. He is the leader of a band of merry men that live on a bookshelf in our bedroom. He is quite curious and adventurous, and has a George Clooney obsession. I'm sure you'll hear more about him at a later date.

Today found us at Goodwill, where I actually picked up some nice vases and plates. I can't remember the last time I bought something decorative for the apartment. Well, last month I bought a ceramic frog, but that was more of "I want a trinket from Cabo" as opposed to "Let's prettify the place." Anyway, I spent 20 bucks and walked away with two nice vases, a blue bottle, and these plates. I bought all they had, which turned out to be 13. Spooky, huh? So they are identical and tiny, and I really don't know what to do with them. I plan on eventually figuring out how to display them, but for now they're in the cupboard.

I'm hoping that this decorating bug will last, but I'm not optimistic. I'm much better at having ideas than implementing them, but I also no longer want to live in a place that looks like we're just out of college. I want to live like a grownup.

First!

So 2007 both sucked and blew. I haven't worked since last April because I've been dealing with the fallout from a suicide attempt brought on by severe depression and anxiety. I've been in fairly intensive counseling for almost a year, and I'm in a place where I'm starting to try and figure out how to live my life.

I don't want this blog to consist of me whining, so my plan is to bring up my mental health issues only when relevant, which actually might be the majority of the time. I have no problem with discussing my condition openly and honestly with anyone, although the people around me sometimes do. I'm also better at comminicating with writing, and I'm the queen of social anxiety, so a blog seems to be a good way to get my thoughts out of my head. We'll see what happens...