This is my brain on American Idol

We just wasted an hour watching the American Idol results. By "wasted an hour" I really mean trying to pretend that we aren't freaking obsessed with the show by mocking it incessantly. I spent my time having impure thoughts about Michael Johns and trying to ignore the gay panic coming from Simon and Ryan. AJ was in charge of serving us raspberry ice cream and fast-forwarding through the commercials, which he loves doing. He was extra happy tonight when he got to ff the bottom three singing again. Seriously, we might have to stage an intervention at some point. He is so obsessed with hitting play the millisecond that the show starts, and he'll rewind if we miss half a word. Must Not Miss Ryan Bantering!

So the best part of the show was the montage of "get the hell out," as I like to call it. They do this collage of the happy fun contestant times and make the poor kid watch as some sappy ballad plays, like they're dying instead of leaving or something. There's a new song this year and it was recorded by Ruben Studdard and it is awesome in it's awfulness. Then I looked it up and realized that it's actually originally by Kenny Loggins, which makes the banality of it a million times better. It's called "Celebrate Me Home," and it inspired us so much that I think I may have peed a little. WTF does that even mean? Celebrate me home? Like walk me home? Does celebrate have some new meaning as a verb that I am unaware of? I'm going to introspect me refrigerator while AJ sanctifies he baseball cards. Then I suggested that it was perhaps written by the Hulk. Like the Hulk comes home from a business trip or something and walks in the door and says to the Hulkess: "Celebrate, me home!" When the Hulkess and the little Hulkettes do not celebrate to the Hulk's liking, guess what happens? Hulk smash!

In conclusion, the awesomeness of David Cook is mitigated by the fact that he looks like a forty year old serial killer. If you'll excuse me, I need to fascinate me pitchfork.