My Black Dog*

I’m still in a funk and have been for the last couple of weeks. It’s times like these that I can barely convince myself to get out of bed in the morning afternoon, when I feel like I’m moving through some permanent fog that clouds my thinking and creates a disconnect between me and the real world. I avoid phone calls and don’t answer e-mails. I can barely feed myself when I’m hungry, and the rest of my day to day activities are a struggle also. I haven’t touched my scrapbook in weeks and I haven’t written a word of fiction in months. I don’t remember the last time I called someone. Tonight was the first time I’ve showered and left the house since Sunday, y’all.

So what’s the answer? The answer is … I don’t know the answer.** I’m supposed to be creating Planned Pleasurable Activities for myself, but I have a really hard time doing that when I’m in this stage and it feels like there’s no point to anything I do. AJ is a sweetheart and is taking tomorrow off so we can do something together that will get us out of our element. First we will have to get in our Element, though, because that’s the kind of car we drive. Get it? Out of our element and in our element? AT THE SAME TIME! I love obvious puns.

I’m trying really hard to be optimistic about tomorrow instead of anxious. I know I need something to help me not live inside my own head all of the time and hopefully little bits of happiness here and there will boost my spirits. All I can do at this point is to go along for the ride. Literally. I’ll stop with the puns now.

*Winston Churchill called his depression a "black dog" that sat on his shoulders. It's an incredibly apt metaphor. More info here.

**Yes, it’s a movie quote. A Winona Ryder quote, actually. As long as we’re on the subject of Noni, can I just say this? Shoplifting? Again? Noni, you and I have such a strange relationship, even though we’ve never met and you’ve never heard of me. Remember how we almost had Thanksgiving dinner together? Remember how you owe my cousin S two dollars? What I’m trying to say here is that you should come over and hang out with me and R, my bestie. The three of us will drink tea and smoke cigarettes and commiserate over the crappy hand of cards we got dealt when it comes to chemical imbalances in our brains.