Just like High School

Remember the first day of school? If you're anything like me, you agonized over wearing the right outfit, worried if anyone was going to sit with you at lunch, wondered if you'd still fit in with your old friends and if you'd make any new ones this year. Do you remember the butterflies in your stomach when you walked through your classroom door for the first time? That's what I feel like every single day.

Tomorrow (technically today, since it's after midnight) I'm going to an orientation program for volunteers at a local museum and I'm terrified. I haven't worked in almost a year, and the doctor I've been seeing regularly suggested that I volunteer for something. The hours would be manageable and since there's no financial commitment, I hopefully wouldn't put as much stress on myself as I do when I'm working.

I've been getting a lot better at interacting with people, but I'm still nervous about leaving my apartment and involving myself in the world in general. I'm trying to remind myself that tomorrow will only be 90 minutes of my time, and I don't have to decide to volunteer on a regular basis right away. However, I have all of these anxieties built up in my head about social situations that manifest physically. For the last week my stomach has been getting more and more upset and my sleep pattern is all off.

I've been trying to pretend that tomorrow isn't actually happening until I walk through the door. It might not be the healthiest way to handle this, but if it keeps me from being a sobbing shaking mess and refusing to get out of bed, I'll take it.